Although comparing various fetish dating sites and their reviews can help you in finding the right partner for your kinky fantasies, there’s still thousands, if not millions of members to sift through. After long, and positive email exchanges and phone calls, you might also decide to meet your potential partner. Up to this point, you’ll already have made thousands of decisions about them. Quirks you’ve noticed but decided weren’t a problem, character traits you like and so on. When looking for a vanilla partner, all these things play a role as well, but you also want someone you need to be able to trust not to truly hurt you. Someone who knows their responsibilities. This is a topic that is relevant to submissives, but to Dominants as well. Even if it first might appear like a submissive has no responsibilities toward their Dom, they must be able to rely on a sub to use a safe word when they have to and to communicate any issues they might have.
Just like on every other dating sites, fetish ones can be frequented by a few bad seeds, and no matter how much you compare, you won’t be able to spot them before registering and getting to know them. These people might simply be bad at alternative relationships, or they could be predators hoping to find a gullible submissive or a Daddy who spoils them rotten. There are ways to keep the wrong kind of person away from you, and ways to recognize their bad behaviour before something goes wrong.
Don’t Be a Doormat
Even though this mostly applies to submissives, Doms can also get run over by a demanding sub. The kink community is often labled wrongly and misjudged, which attracts wanna-be Doms who are actually just men who want an absolutely submissive woman. This is the most common issue alternative dating sites have to deal with, but can’t do much about. For this reason, you as a user need to be aware of not only the existence of these people, but also what you can do to not have to deal with them longer than a few messages.
Before you decide to enter an alternative relationship with someone, you have absolutely no obligations toward them, even if they are a Dom. Good Doms will understand this and, at most, ask you beforehand if you’re okay with something or not. Someone posing as a Dom will try to impose his needs and desires on you. If you want to meet in a public place, which for your own safety is absolutely your right, and someone denies you this, then don’t meet them. If you’re a Dom meeting a sub, and she already expects you to be commanding instead of a person like any other, don’t meet her. Of course, in both cases it could be that you’re meeting a beginner. Let them know what’s wrong with their behaviour, but if they still insist that they’re in the right, then just let it go.
A responsible partner understands that you are both equal and human, both before and during the relationship. That doesn’t change if it’s an unusual relationship that involves a powershift.
Should someone have managed to get past the beginning stages of getting to know each other without raising any red flags, and you’re entering negotiations, then also be wary in this stage. Negotiations in a relationship that incorporates kinks are vital. Both parties have equal say in the matter. If either side doesn’t share this opinion and firmly believes that only one, usually the Dom, has a say in everything, then negotiations cannot commence.
Even if this isn’t the case, one of the most critical issues during negotiations are soft and hard limits. These are about reviewing what you’re willing to do, even if you dislike it, and what is absolutely off-limits for you. This often refers to specific activities during play. Since you compared dating sites – looking for fetishes geared toward your specific likes – it’s easy to assume that the other person you’ve met shares your preferences. Hard and soft limits can change over time, but nobody should ever assume that by default, and simply ignore their existence. Not respecting someone’s limits is a clear show of lack of understanding for BDSM and kink dynamics. If no amount of explaining solves this, don’t commence further into the relationship.
Finding potential partners for BDSM is the key to a good experience, you can visit local dating sites for it. Find the best sites at fixatedfreak.com. Sites here are thoroughly reviewed. Potential partners are those who respect your limits and do not push them without asking for permission beforehand. These are the ones where you’ll also find yourself renegotiating regularly as you begin to trust them more.
BDSM Is Not Abuse, Abuse Is Not BDSM
Some relationships can start out wonderfully and then suddenly take a turn for the sour. It’s already immensely difficult to recognize abuse for what it is in a vanilla relationship. It can get even harder in a relationship with BDSM. Because abuse is often associated with real, physical violence, emotional abuse often goes unchecked. For someone caught in the situation, it can take a long time to realize what’s really going on. When you add in a preference for humiliation and pain, the lines may look a bit blurry to you. Also, a concern of many beginning sadists is being a potential abuser because they enjoy inflicting pain on someone else.
The core of BDSM, and every other kink, is trust in each other and wanting to share the positive sensations each action provokes. They can be interlaced with negative ones, but in the end, you’ll feel satisfied, happy and content. If you are a responsible partner and with one, you won’t get angry if your significant other uses the safeword and vice versa. On the other hand, an abusive person will most likely fly off the handle and express his extreme displeasure. Abusive personalities are adamant on what they want, without regard for others, and they are willing to put you under pressure to achieve their goal. It’s one thing to punish a sub by placing her in the corner for a certain amount of time. It’s another to deny all contact and conversation. A threat that should make your red flags go up is if your partner leaves you if you don’t do something, even if you express that you don’t want to do it.
In the end, the core difference is that a responsible partner in a BDSM relationship might punish you, but will tell you exactly why. She will still respect you, your wishes and your limits. An abusive person will simply lash out, even at the smallest things, be it verbally or physically, and the main reason will be that something disagrees with her and her opinions. Should you ever find yourself in such a relationship, don’t be afraid to get help and get out.
All these points might sound very strict, however, it’s important to understand how dangerous it can be to get involved with someone who doesn’t understand the responsibility of her position. It’s alright to be a beginner and not know everything. That’s why it’s important to always let someone know that what they’re doing isn’t healthy for anyone, especially not for future partners. But if someone is incorrigible, you need to let go and move on. There are plenty of alternatives and nobody is worth dangerously sacrificing your health for.